A New Beginning: Adventures in weight loss.
Growing up, I was always the fat kid. I had a very poor relationship with food and in particular treats and snacks and to this day, I still battle somewhat with old crutches and habits. I’d be in the kitchen trying to find the chocolate biscuits or crisps, my mother would always allow me one but then I’d go and ask for another, sometimes I’d sneak another one when the answer was no.
I was quite badly bullied at school, I never understood why I was different, and I wouldn’t find out until my mid-twenties that I am autistic. The kids at school would often pick on me for being confused at their jokes, for always being alone at break time, for wearing the clothes I chose to wear, or for being chubby, this became more of an issue as I headed towards puberty and some of the worst years of my life.
something I should mention before I go any further (this information will also be helpful later on) I am transgender, female to male, I was born female but I am transitioning to male, and I have been doing this for 8 years now, only getting as far as hormones as I am currently too overweight for the surgeries! its something I have always known about myself — you can ask any 3, 4, 5 year old whether they are a boy or a girl and I guarantee they will be able to tell you with certainty what they are- I’d always be told that I was a girl but I’d just think to myself “that's what you think!” I was never pushed into conforming to being a girl so I never saw it as an urgency to tell anyone. puberty was in fact the oppressor when it hit.
when I hit the age of around 12 and puberty was in full swing, my chest was growing, periods began, I sank into a pool of depression and anxiety, depression because the differences between myself and my peers of the opposite sex became very apparent and I was no longer able to at least pretend that I was male, anxiety because my weight was rocketing, I had been through a lot and turned to the only thing that felt good to me and that was eating! the more I ate, the fatter I became and the more vicious people became about my appearance, if I had crushes on anyone, I was told to lose some weight and they might consider going out with me, I was called names like “fat sweaty dyke” and I was often told to go and change somewhere else after PE lessons because my bullies had told everyone that I had big dyke-y crushes on all of the girls and was only there to perv on them. by the age of 13 I was shopping in the adult men's section for L or XL clothes because clothes for people of my age, at the time, came nowhere near to fitting me! I even had to buy adult men's dress trousers instead of regular school trousers when it came to buying school uniform! I was drowning in a pool of self hatred and the people at school kept pushing me under, the daily bullying took its toll and I comfort ate to make myself feel better again.
when I got to the age of 17 a documentary came out about transgender children and suddenly something in my brain clicked! “ this is how I have been feeling all of my life!” I thought to myself. I felt like I was closer to figuring out who I was! I battled with my gender identity and sexuality silently for about 3 years until I told my family about how I was feeling and I breathed a sigh of relief as my family couldn’t have been more accepting! I let my family take in the information I gave them and I settled into my new found freedom with how I expressed myself. about a year goes by and I finally give my mother the green light to take me to the doctors to get referred to a specialist in gender identity. I had my first appointment and after a little while I was given the ok to start hormone therapy and I began taking testosterone to put my body through male puberty, some things about my body began to change and I began to feel a little better about the way I outwardly appeared to people I might come across on a day to day basis but one thing still stood out, quite literally, my breasts. I sought advice from my gender specialist about them and was told I could get my chest surgically reconstructed to appear masculine. I was referred to a surgeon for a consultation in 2014. I was told by the surgeon that they couldn’t do my surgery until I lost a significant amount of weight. I felt destroyed. I spent the next 6 years losing weight and putting on weight again not really being able to shift too much of the weight.
Here I am writing this in the same position, I weighed in 4 days ago at the heaviest weight I have ever been. I was so disgusted with myself. how could I let myself get this way. I could sit here and blame the pandemic and my neurodiversity for my issues but that's only part of the story. I need to start holding myself accountable for my actions around food and activity. I’m desperate to get to a healthy weight not just for my surgery but for my health. My fiancée has regularly told me that she fears for my health because my breathing is fairly laboured when just sitting still. I get quite nasty with her for pointing it out mostly because it frightens me and there’s a part of me that hates how little I have done to change it. I’m slowly creeping towards my 30th birthday in August, I dont want to be living the next 10 years in fear of heart attacks or worse, dying by the time I hit 40.
My weight loss Journey began on Monday 19th April 2021. I weighed myself at a local pharmacy where I weighed in at 24 stone 0.4 pounds (336.4lbs). I began walking 7000 steps every day smashing this goal and even getting to 7500 steps. I am changing my eating habits to include more fruit and veggies and cutting the snacks out of my life. I am trying to stay hydrated and get enough sleep because this time I want it to be different! I have tried to lose weight so many times in my life and I want this time to be the last.
If you have read right to the end, thank you for listening to my story! I hope you stick around and follow me on my journey! I am very keen to share my thoughts, musings and experience along the way to a brand new me!
